January 17th, 2014

Should we see a couples therapist?

Though this question may sound like the start of a bad joke. Chances are that many of you reading this have asked the question “is my relationship in trouble”? It is an understandable concern and in many relationships, just reaching the four year mark is usually the first signs of conflict in a relationship. The honeymoon stage is long over and now the couple is faced with problems that were small at first and have grown steadily over the years.

Just a quick glance at a Cosmopolitan magazine cover (or any other magazine cover for that matter) inundates you with relationship dread. When selling products, it is easier to ask anxiety provoking statements such as “is your relationships over” or “If your relationship is not perfect, move on!” than it is to give you advise on getting past this difficult time in your life.

So how do you know that it is time to see a couples therapist?

1. Start with therapy early before a relationship problem becomes a relationship catastrophe.
   
   

Often times, couples seek out therapy when one of them is already packing their bags. This is not imposable to work with in couples therapy but it does add complications. Many times only one partner wants to invest in therapy and this is unfortunate. The success in couples therapy has been highly recognized by researchers of Emotionally Focused Therapy, which is great to know. With that said, the success of couples therapy does rely on both partners being invested in continuing with the relationship. If one member of the relationship is highly invested in leaving, then regrettably, recovering from this point is very difficult (but not impossible).

1. You argue…A lot!
   
   

It seems to go without saying but arguing excessively is not healthy for a loving relationship. Arguing sometimes is normal. A partner may start complaining about something which turns into a spat or bickering. This is perfectly healthy. When it is not healthy is when arguing happens every day and lasts for hours. This is a clear sign of a growing resentment and miscommunication.

It is also a misconception that arguing is only the raising of voices. Deathly silence can be just as bad as yelling. The outcome is still the same, someone on the receiving end feels hurt. An example would be: Jim comes home and finds his wife Sarah sitting on the couch reading a book. Jim asks how her day was but he is met with cold silence. Sarah looks up at Jim, glares, then goes back to reading her book. Jim knows he is in trouble and also knows he can say nothing without getting deeper into the hole. This silence may last a few hours or days. This is not at all healthy for a relationship.

1. Feeling like you are growing apart.
   
   

Any couple that has been together for a few years knows the feeling of growing apart. One partner’s interests appear to be the same while the other partner’s interests have perhaps changed drastically. Many times a couple has even come together because of their mutual hobbies. In a sense, once interests begin to switch, it is common for a feeling of disconnection to follow.

Once the feeling of growing apart has developed, it is an excellent time to look into couples therapy. Perhaps the couples pastimes have changed, but it does not mean that love, connection and intimacy has left the relationship.

1. Sex and Intimacy
   
   

There are many reasons why sex may leave a relationship and if something is not done about it, there may not be a relationship for long. Reasons for couples to withdraw from sex may range from feeling disconnected with their partner to an underline medical condition. In any case, it is important to start looking into couples therapy once intimacy has slowed down. Often times, the disconnection from intimacy is related to other, relationship related conversations.

1. Contempt
   
   

Described in John Gottman’s four horseman, contempt is sure sign that it is time to get help in your relationship.  Contempt could be described as the attacking of a partners personal self. This may be name calling, mean spirited humor, sarcasm or the intentional destruction of a partners self-esteem. When contempt has entered into a relationship, it is important to start seeking outside help.

Always remember, there is room for growth in almost any relationship even if it is difficult to see at first. That is why couples therapy can be incredibly powerful. Don’t wait until your relationship has fallen apart, start working on it now.