San Diego Therapy

3/2/14

3/2/2014

Transitions Part 1

It has been nearly a month since my last post and with any luck, there will not be such a large gap between posts again. Like any blog, it’s difficult to maintain on a regular basis however I hope to have more blog entries soon.

This week, I’d like to talk a little bit about transitions. For those of you who know me, you will know that my specializations lies within dating, dating culture, relationships and couples (marriage). Like many things in this current day and age, we have a tendency of moving through life without being aware of the impacts that events may have on us and our relationships. In other words the transition between being single and dating or dating and being in a committed relationship are sometimes overlooked.

In many ways, we take these transitions for granted which in my opinion is not necessarily a good thing. Understanding that going from dating into a committed relationship is a completely different mindset for both involved. It means that you’re being removed from the dating community and that you are focusing your energy on one person for an indefinite amount of time. This one person could be in a relationship for a year, two years, or for the rest of their life.

The understanding of transitions helps us move through our lives with more ease and confidence. Not only for us as an individual but also for our relationships. For example, let’s look at a couple that is dating and the considerate of the relationship transition has not been mindfully constructed by the two lovers. For this couple, dating has been a lot of fun! They get along very well, they share laughs, and most importantly they look forward to each other’s company on a daily basis.

For Stacy, she is ready to move on in the relationship. She’s ready to call Mark her boyfriend and she’s ready to shift into the new relationship paradigm. Mark on the other hand has been enjoying the dating process with Stacy and is gone along with being called her boyfriend. He has even called her his girlfriend. However, after “dating” for eight months, the thought or discussion of moving in together, getting married, or any other major life change that might be applicable for those in a “relationship” does not coincide with Mark’s way of looking at “dating”. This would make perfect sense had their relationship still been in the dating phase. For Stacy, their relationship was long past the singles/dating title. Unfortunately, the relationship transition was never properly implemented for Mark.

For the next blog, I hope to discuss more about transitions and a little bit about how our culture has changed from accepting, acknowledging and most importantly respecting transitions within our relationships.

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January 17th, 2014

1/17/2014

5 Comments

Should we see a couples therapist?

Though this question may sound like the start of a bad joke. Chances are that many of you reading this have asked the question “is my relationship in trouble”? It is an understandable concern and in many relationships, just reaching the four year mark is usually the first signs of conflict in a relationship. The honeymoon stage is long over and now the couple is faced with problems that were small at first and have grown steadily over the years.

Just a quick glance at a Cosmopolitan magazine cover (or any other magazine cover for that matter) inundates you with relationship dread. When selling products, it is easier to ask anxiety provoking statements such as “is your relationships over” or “If your relationship is not perfect, move on!” than it is to give you advise on getting past this difficult time in your life.

So how do you know that it is time to see a couples therapist?

Start with therapy early before a relationship problem becomes a relationship catastrophe.

Often times, couples seek out therapy when one of them is already packing their bags. This is not imposable to work with in couples therapy but it does add complications. Many times only one partner wants to invest in therapy and this is unfortunate. The success in couples therapy has been highly recognized by researchers of Emotionally Focused Therapy, which is great to know. With that said, the success of couples therapy does rely on both partners being invested in continuing with the relationship. If one member of the relationship is highly invested in leaving, then regrettably, recovering from this point is very difficult (but not impossible).

You argue…A lot!

It seems to go without saying but arguing excessively is not healthy for a loving relationship. Arguing sometimes is normal. A partner may start complaining about something which turns into a spat or bickering. This is perfectly healthy. When it is not healthy is when arguing happens every day and lasts for hours. This is a clear sign of a growing resentment and miscommunication.

It is also a misconception that arguing is only the raising of voices. Deathly silence can be just as bad as yelling. The outcome is still the same, someone on the receiving end feels hurt. An example would be: Jim comes home and finds his wife Sarah sitting on the couch reading a book. Jim asks how her day was but he is met with cold silence. Sarah looks up at Jim, glares, then goes back to reading her book. Jim knows he is in trouble and also knows he can say nothing without getting deeper into the hole. This silence may last a few hours or days. This is not at all healthy for a relationship.

Feeling like you are growing apart.

Any couple that has been together for a few years knows the feeling of growing apart. One partner’s interests appear to be the same while the other partner’s interests have perhaps changed drastically. Many times a couple has even come together because of their mutual hobbies. In a sense, once interests begin to switch, it is common for a feeling of disconnection to follow.

Once the feeling of growing apart has developed, it is an excellent time to look into couples therapy. Perhaps the couples pastimes have changed, but it does not mean that love, connection and intimacy has left the relationship.

Sex and Intimacy

There are many reasons why sex may leave a relationship and if something is not done about it, there may not be a relationship for long. Reasons for couples to withdraw from sex may range from feeling disconnected with their partner to an underline medical condition. In any case, it is important to start looking into couples therapy once intimacy has slowed down. Often times, the disconnection from intimacy is related to other, relationship related conversations.

Contempt

Described in John Gottman’s four horseman, contempt is sure sign that it is time to get help in your relationship. Contempt could be described as the attacking of a partners personal self. This may be name calling, mean spirited humor, sarcasm or the intentional destruction of a partners self-esteem. When contempt has entered into a relationship, it is important to start seeking outside help.

Always remember, there is room for growth in almost any relationship even if it is difficult to see at first. That is why couples therapy can be incredibly powerful. Don’t wait until your relationship has fallen apart, start working on it now.

5 Comments

January 08th, 2014

1/8/2014

The Larry Crowne Affair

If you have seen the movie Larry Crowne, you will probably agree that as romance movies go, it rates rather low in the love category. The main character Larry Crowne (Tom Hanks) is likable as far as leading the film along. However, it is the romance between Dean and Mercedes (Bryan Cranston & Julia Roberts) that bothers me the most about this film.

After watching the movie and thinking about the characters from a therapeutic lens, I found myself frustrated by Julia Roberts character and her marriage to Dean (Bryan Cranston). Dean is an author, blogger and ex professor who now spends most of his time at home looking at porn. Mercedes on the other hand is holding up the household financially. She works at a job that she no longer finds enjoyable and feels that the life of the relationships has withered to a dried up husk of a marriage.

Mercedes now comes home from work, depressed and withdrawn only to find solace in a large margarita bowl, which she proceeds to gulp down, causing a brain freeze. Dean, covering up his obvious porn hobby, greats Mercedes as she walks into the house. Dean asks Mercedes how her day was and continues to show repeated interest and care towards her. He is met however, with frigidity, resentment and distain.

The screen writers want us to hate Dean from the start by introducing him as an awful person who looks at porn. We are then asked to ignore Mercedes characters behavior and attitude because she is the main character and Dean is simply an antagonist obstacle.

Later in the story, we are introduced to Deans own frustration towards Mercedes as they leave a bar. After trying all night to get her to laugh and participate in the relationship (which is clear that he is still invested in) he is met again with resentment and disgust from Mercedes. This leads to an argument that is brought out by bitterness from Mercedes and perhaps rightfully so. Dean escalates his own frustration in the car which leads to Mercedes asking to be let out.

This of course moves to Mercedes (the same night) wanting to be romantic with Larry Crowne and in a sense, she throws away her marriage with delight.

So why does this bother me?

It’s simple. The writers clearly do not understand what a helpless relationship would look like.

It is clear from a couples therapy perspective that Mercedes and Deans relationship is far from over and in many ways they show a lot of room for healing. Deans porn addiction was in no way related to his lack of care for Mercedes. Just as Mercedes was depressed about her life, Dean had hit a different type of disengagement. Her anger and resentment towards Dean pushed him away. However, he is still checking in emotionally to let Mercedes know that he was still there.

Mercedes has been holding up Dean for so long, that she forgot all of the reason why she liked him in the first place. His wit and charm over the years slowly morphed into snarky and immaturity behavior in her eyes. In a sense, Mercedes has forgotten how to be in love with Dean and Dean no longer tries to be person he once was with her. Their relationship has become unhealthy.

Mercedes has withdrawn from the relationship and Dean is pursuing her in his own way, he just doesn’t know how to get her back so he continues doing what he does, which is talking to her and hoping it gets better. This is very common in relationships and is the corner stone to many clients that seek couples therapy.

I believe that these characters are a perfect example of everyday couples. Many times one person in the relationship starts to feel hurt, neglected and unloved which leads them to act out in ways that push away the partner that is hurting them. Conversations become arguments and discussions become debates. Even simple questions can become reasons to fight in an injured relationship.

Unfortunately, many couples continue in this cycle of hostility which can eventually lead to divorce or separation. Countless marriages could be saved yearly if couples would seek out couples therapy rather than weathering the storm alone.

In regards to the movie.

The entire romantic connection of the film between Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts should not have happened. This movie wants us as the audience to forget about Dean and focus only on Mercedes and Larry Crowne. This is normal for many films and it still doesn’t mean it was particularly done well here.

The next time you find yourself watching a movie with contention between couples, ask yourself this question. Would they be able to get past their problems if they had sought out couples therapy? You might be surprised how often Hollywood overlooks this.

3/2/14

Transitions Part 1

January 17th, 2014

January 08th, 2014

The Larry Crowne Affair

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